


A Cliche Harry Potter Fanfic

by sExYcOrN



Series: A Cliche Harry Potter Fanfic [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cliche, Crack, F/M, Hogwarts Seventh Year, M/M, Mary Sue, OC, OOC, Original Character(s), POV Original Female Character, Parody, Polygamy, Pregnancy, Sirius Black Lives, Teen Pregnancy, This Is STUPID, Typos, Yule Ball (Harry Potter), orbs, the typos get worse and worse, this is a joke, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-13 13:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17489264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sExYcOrN/pseuds/sExYcOrN
Summary: (THIS IS A JOKE)(WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS TYPOS AND USAGE OF THE WORD ORBS)(FEEL FREE TO COMMENT ANGRILY)





	1. Going to Hogwarts

Hi my name is Rose Lily Zendaya Mercury Venus Potato Potter. My parents died in a car crash when I was a baby and I live in an orphanage. I don't have any friends, and everyone else in the orphanage makes fun of me for my lighting scar.

I woke up one morning in my own personal room and went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My black hair was wavy and cascades over my C cup boobs. The nurse asked me a couple days ago if I had gotten my period yet, but I don't get my period because writers don't want to write about that.

I put on a crop top and ripped jeans and glasses. Everyone would make fun of my poor-looking clothes.

Then I remembered, it was my 17th birthday! But I figured no one would get me a present because everybody hates me!

Miss Cole, the owner, walked in. "Good morning, honey!" she said cheerfully. "Come down, there's a visitor for you."

Ugh, she's out to get me!

I walked into the living room and saw a giant!

"'Ello, Rose! I'm 'Agrid from 'Ogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

What??!? There's no such thing as magic! So I retorted, "What??!? There's no such thing as magic!"

"Oh yes, there is! 'Ave you ever done magic?"

"Sometimes, when I'm angry or upset."

"Yer a witch, Rose!"

"WHAT??!?"

"Do you wanna go to 'Ogwarts?"

"Okay. How do we get there?"

"LOL, magic, duh!" Hagrid exclaimed. He grabbed my arm and we disapparated because I know what that is.


	2. King's Kross

So then I was at King's Kross (with a K cos I ironic lolz mcr is yes) and Hagrid was gone. I magically had all my Hogwarts stuff with me, including my snowy owl Bedwig (no not Hedwig).

I'M ALL ALOOOOONNNNNNE UGH MY LIFE SUX 😭😭😭!!!!!1!

Then I ran through the wall to get to Platform 9 3/4 because i just figured it out.

So I got onto the train and saw a really hot girl (no homo tho) with brown hair, someone with read hair, and a boy with black hair, green eyes, and a lighting scar.

GASP! HOLY SHIT! I HAVE BLACK HAIR, GREEN EYES, AND A LIGHTNING SCAR!!!!

"Hi!" I said cheerfully. "I'm Rose!"

"Oi mate! Mate mate mate m8 Im Ron Weasley," the ginger said while eating a sandwich.

The really sexy brunette who made me aroused (I'm straight) said, "Excuse Ronald. I'm Hermoine Granger."

"And I'm Harry Potter," the boy who looked like me said."

"OH MY EFFING JESUS! MY LAST NAME IS POTTER!" I shouted while getting into the compartment.

"Wow, mate! You might mate be like twins mate!" Ron said while eating ice cream.

"No, they're not! You're wrong, Ronald!" Hermoine screeched. "But according to Hogwarts A History, people who look exactly alike and have the same last name are twins."

"That's what I just sai-"

"Shut up, Ronald!" Hermoine yelled.

"Omg we're twins!" I exclaimed.

"I dunno," Harry said. "Just because we both have a lightning bolt scar, black hair, green eyes, have the same last namd, and were both orphaned as babies, doesn't mean we're twins. Check yo privilege."

"True," I said. Then I turned to Hermoine and Ron. "Why are you friends if your so mad at each other?" I asked.

"What? We're in love!" they both said. Then they made out.

I turned to Harry. "So wassup?"

"We're starting our 7th year at Hogwarts," he said.

"Cool."

We got off the train and Hogwarts was there once we all walked out.

We walked into the Great Hall. Harry, Hermoine, and the other guy sat down while I lined up with the First years.

Magonagal put a hat on a stool and it started talking!

"Rose Potter!" it shouted.

I walked up to the hat and made it my bitch. "Wassup." I put it on.

Not Ravenclaw, they're too nerdy. Not Slytherin, they're all mean.

"YOU GOT BEEF WITH SLYTHERIN AND RAVENCLAW? What about Hufflepuff?"

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?" I asked the hat.

"I dunno. Better be... GRYFFINDOR!"


	3. food

Everyone cheered. I heared stuff like, "Good job, Rose!" and "Congrats!"

Everyone hates me!!!!

I sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Harry, Hermoine, and Roonil Wazlib.

We started eating lots of really good food. I instagramed it with my iPhone X.

I'm so poor!!!!

A guy with a long gray beared and sparkly orbs walked over to us. "Miss Potter, Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, may I have a word with yall?"

"Ok," we all said.

The four of us walked into his office and sat in front of his desk.

"I have to tell you something," Dumbledore said. "Rose, Harry... you're twins."

"Bloody hell!" Ron said while eating Twizlers.

"WHAT!?!?" we both yelled. "That's impossible! Even though we both have green eyes, black hair, lighting bolt scars, both have the same last name, and were both orphaned as babies, doesn't mean we're twins."

"I know it is very hard to believe," Dumbledore said. "But it is true. When Voldemort killed your parents, Rose was transported to the Muggle World."

"Bloody hell!" Ron said while eating mac and cheese.

"How was I transported?" I asked.

"Magic," Dumbledore said.

"Bloody hell!" Ron said while eating oatmeal.

"How long have you know this?" Harry asked.

"16 years."

"Bloody hell!" Ron said while eating a yam.

"Why didn't you tell them?" Hermoine asked because she hasn't said anything in a while.

"For the greater good," Dumbledore said wisely. "Also, you're parents and Serious are still alive."

"Bloody hell!" Ron said while eating whipped cream.


	4. Reunion

"How long have you known THAT?" I asked.

"I've always known."

"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US!!?" Harry asked angstily.

"Yes, it was for the greater good."

"Where are they?" Harry asked.

A man and woman who looked like me and a really hot guy with long hair walked in. "Right here!"

"I AM A HETEROSEXUAL!" Serious yelled. "Boobs are awesome!"

Me and Harry hugged them. I hugged Serious because I somehow knew he was.

Then they got really mad. "Why did you lock us up in St. Mungos for 16 years!?"

"And me for 2" Serious added.

"For the greater good," Dumbledore said wisely. We all accepted his vague answer. "Since Rose and Harry both have lighting scars, they both have to defeat Voldemort."

Suddenly, Voldemort flew in! "SURPRISE, MOTHAFUCKAS!" he yelled.

Harry and I pointed our wands at him. "Avada Kedavra!" we both yelled. Then Voldemort died.

"Now that that's taken care of, you may go to your dorms," Dumbledore said.

"Where will we sleep?" Serious said, gesturing to himself and my parents.

"You will live in Godrics Hollow, but you can visit whenever you want."

"Cool," they said.


	5. Moving In

Before we left the office, Serious whispered in my ear sexily, "It was really nice to meet you."

"You too!" I replied cheerfully.

So me, Harry, Hermoine, and Ron walked to the Gryffindor common room. We said goodnight and Hermione and I went to the 7th year Gryffindor girl dorm.

After we got into our pajamas, I saw a redhead girl sitting on a bed. "Hi, I'm Ginny," she said.

"I thought you were a 6th year," Hermoine said.

"I got to move a year ahead so Harry and I could see each other more. We're dating."

Then two other girls came into the room. "I'm Lavender and this is Parvati," one of them said.

"This is the only time I'll ever be mentioned," Parvati said. Then she disappeared.

Me, Ginny, Hermoine, and Lavender started talking about boys.

"Harry and I have been dating since 5th year!" Ginny said.

"Ron and I have been dating since 4th year," Hermoine said. "I found his jealousy flattering and kissed him at the Yule Ball instead of waiting until he matured."

"Do you like anyone?" Ginny said.

Serious is kinda cute, I said to myself. But I didn't want to tell them, so I said no.

We all said goodnight and fell asleep.

I woke up at 3 am and saw a shadowy figure in front of me. I took out my wand.

"Lumos," I whispered. It was..... Serious!

"Serious! What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I came to see you," he whispered sexily. He started leaning in, but then I stopped him.

"Serious, we can't be together," I said.

He held my hands. "Who gives a crap what all the other peasants think?" He kissed my cheek. "Rose, mi amor, te prometo que algún día estaremos juntos, a pesar de que soy tu padrino, y tengo veinte años más que tú."

We stared into each other's ORBS, then he jumped out the window and somehow landed safely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suggest going on google translate for the ending 🤗


	6. Poshuns

When I went to breakfast, I couldn't stop thinking about Serious, with his long flowy hair and his black ORBS and his full lips.

"Earth to Rose!"

Harry snapped me out of ny trance. "Huh?"

"We have to get to class. We're with the Slytherins today," he grumbled.

"GODDAMIT!" All the Gryffindors yelled.

Ron checked our schedule. "Ugh, we have potions."

"What's so bad about potions?" I asked.

"👏BISH👏," Harry snapped. "👏DON'T👏GET👏ME👏STARTED👏."

"Snape is our potions teacher," Hermione explained. "He's awful. He was obsessed with your mum so now he thinks he has the right to bully kids, especially Harry, because he hates your dad."

"Why does he hate my dad?" I asked.

"He and Serious bullied him when they were in school." My heart broke. How could Serious be such a cruel person?!?!!? "But then they matured and realized that bullying isn't okay. Your dad was a good man and your mum fell in love with him." OH THANK GOD!

Then some random idiot appeared. "bUT JAMES BULLIED SNAPE!!!! SNAPE LOVED LILY!!! JAMES SUX!!"

I hexed them and we all went to Potions.

At Potions, I sat next to Hermione.

Snape sashayed in and did a hair flip. "Sup, hoes. I'm Snape and I'm bitter as fuck." He wrote down on the board the potion we had to make, and we started working.

Our potion was turning out great so far. Snape looked at our potion and stared at Hermione. "Granger, 50 points from Gryffindor for being a know-it-all." Hermione cried and ran out of the room.

He stared at me. "Another Potter I see," he sneered. "100 points from you and your brother."

"I didn't do anything!" Harry said.

"Bitch do you think I give a fuck?" Snape said.

"You're really mean!" I said to him.

The he slapped me!

"Stop that, Snape!" I heard a voice shout. I turned around and saw a boy with platinum blonde hair slicked back.

"Talking back, Malfoy?" Snape yelled. "10 points to Slytherin!"

"Expecto patronum!" the boy yelled. Then Snape passed out. The boy walked over to me. "You okay?" he asked in a concered voice. His breath smelled minty. He was so beautiful...

No! I said to myself. You're in love with Serious! I stood up straight. "I'm fine."

"Get away from my sister, Malfoy!" Harry yelled.

Malfoy strolled away sexily, and then the bell rang. Before I could follow the squad out, Malfoy walked back to me. "I'm a douche but I'll be nice to you only," he whispered.

"Why?"

"Because... I think you're cute," he blushed.

I blushed back, but then I realized something. "But I look just like my brother... you're in love with Harry!"

Draco shushed me. "Don't be so loud! And yes, I do like him."

"Then why are you so mean to him?" I asked. He shrugged. "Okay, I'll ask him, but I won't tell him you like him."

"Thanks!" Then he walked away.

Time to play Matchmaker!

Matchmaker, matchmaker, give me hot snatch


	7. Drarry and Hinny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to clarify that I hate Drarry and I am Hinny trash

During the evening, I sat next to Harry in the Gryffindor common room.

"So... do you like anyone?" I asked. "Like a crush?"

"I'm dating Ginny," he said.

"I LOVE YOU HARRY!!!!!" Ginny squeeled. Then she ran away.

"Have you ever thought about polygamy?" I asked.

"Actually, yes," he said. "I've always had a thing for Draco, but I still love Ginny."

"Date both of them!" I said.

Ginny and Draco both ran in. "I LOVE YOU HARRY!!!!! DATE BOTH OF US AT THE SAME TIME!!!!"

"YAY!!!" Harry exclaimed. Then the three of them had a threesome in the Forbidden Forrest.


	8. Lavender that frickin ho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to clarify that I don't think sexual assault is funny at all. However, I wrote this chapter because I once read a Harry Potter fanfic where every chapter was named after a Maroon 5 song and in a chapter Lavender raped Ron, but the author intended it as Ron being a cheater.
> 
> In my original draft of this chapter, I wrote Lavender doing... more than kissing him. But I toned it down because I want to make people laugh without taking it too far.

I woke up in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep, so I decided to go into the common room. As I was walking down the stairs, I saw Ron sitting on the couch, and Lavender walked in!

So I eavesdropped.

"Hi, Won Won!" Lavender said.

"Er... hi Lavender," Ron said.

"Ron... will you be my boyfriend?"

"No, you crazy bitch! I'm in love with Hermoine! Go suck a dick!"

"So sweet of you, baby!" Lavender said. She took out her iPod and started playing Maroon 5. She started stripping and then she kissed him! He was trying to get away, but obviously he must be cheating on Hermiome!

I ran back to my room and woke up Hermoine. I brought her back downstairs and showed her the scene.

"You bastard!" Hermoine cried. "We're through!"

"But I wasn't cheating!" Ron yelled. "I didn't consent to it!"

"i DiDn'T cOnSeNt To It! I don't want your excuses!" She slapped him and then she ran back to her bed and cried.

Then Lavender had sex with Ron.


	9. The Yule Ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tell me if you catch the hamilton reference ;)

So Ron and Lavender dated for a while but Ron kept on saying that he didn't consent into it but he's a lyin ho. Hermoine spends all her time quoting Hogwarts, a History and crying. Harry and Draco and Ginny make out a lot and have secks in publick.

Serious and I snuck out at night together alot and stared into each other's ORBS talked about us being in love with each other but we never kissed bcos Im not a ho.

The Yule Ball was cuming up and we were all so fuckin pumped! Me and all the other girls waited to be asked out instead of asking ourselves bcuz women can't ask out bois. Ginny was going with Harry and Draco. Lavender was going with ron even tho he claims that he duznt wunt 2. wut a douch.

I wanted to go with Serious but WE HAVE A FORBIDDEN SEXXXY LOVE

At the ball i was wearing a MODEST red dress that lookd exactly like dis im a saint

https://www.88gals.com/content/Bliss%20Bucks/Alluring%20Vixens/Charlie%20Red%20Dress/alluring-vixens-05.jpg

At the ball we all grind to the rhythym as we wine and dine 😉 as the Whip and Nay Nay came on.

hermoine was crying in the corner cuz she's lonely as Lavender grinded against Ron.

"Lavender! You're harassing me!" Ron yelld.

"You know you want it bae!" she cheered.

Herman cried more.

Ginny and Draco & harry were all dancing together cutely.

"Harry..." Draco said, "im pregnant and ur the father.

"Same!" Ginny said. "I'm pregnant with harry's baby 2!"

"Yay!!!" harry said. He got up to the mic. "Im gonna be a daddy!" Evry1 cheereded. Then.... he got down on 1 knee!!!! "Ginny, Draco, will you marry me?"

"YES!!!" they both yelled. They ran up to the stage and kissed Harry and the 3 of them made out. Everyone cheered.

Then i realized I hadn't done anything heroic in a while and decided to get Ron annd hermoine back togeth.

I ran over to Ron and asked, "Ron, do you luv Hermoine?"

"More than anything in the entire world," Ron said. "I would do anything for her... I would run across the earth if it would make her smile."

"Lit. So go get her." I said.

So Ron went over to Hermoine and got down on one knee and said, "Hermoine I love you so much will you marry me?"

Hermoine stopped crying tears of sadness and started crying tears of joy. "Yes!!!" Then they hugged and did that thing where the girl jumps into the boy's arms and he spins her around.

"RON IS MINE!!!!" Lavender screamed. Since I'm the main character and needed to do something I shot her with a gun and she died. Everyone clapped at my awesomeness.

Then Serious flew in on his motorcycle!!!!!!!!!!

"Rose, even though we've only seen each other twice and I'm way too old for you and I'm your godfather and we've never kissed, I love you. Marry me!"

So we kissed and everyone chanted my name.

"Rose! Rose! Rose!"

EVER1 HATES MEH!!!


	10. Epilogue

So everyone had kids with really American names

The end..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow


End file.
